Axis of Allah

Shiites

They are the redheaded stepchildren of Islam, a minority against the more numerous Sunnis. They have their own laws and philosophy distinct from those stinkin’ usurpin’ Sunnis. A major ideological difference espoused by the Shiites is that women should be 99.9% covered by clothing, instead of the provocative 97% found in Sunni societies. This has become a major sticking point in the road to reconciliation between the two factions; however, they both agree that it is the women’s fault.

The Shiites give their imams star status, considering them holy vessels free of sin, often with superpowers like x-ray vision and the ability to shoot fireballs from their eyebrows. If you smell singed eyebrow hair, you know you’re in the presence of a Shiite holy man.

Sunnis

Acutually, the Sunnis are the true followers of Islam. It says so on the velvet paintings they hang in the TV room. Like all Muslims, they follow the Quran but there have also been many philosophers and theologians adding to the Sunni faith over the centuries because, don’t tell anyone we said so, but the Quran didn’t cover everything. Sure, you can’t eat pork but can you wear a suit made of bacon? Questions like these demand answers.

The Sunnis have found an ingenious way to differentiate themselves from their Shiite neighbors: their preferred method of violence against unarmed civilians (jihad, or holy war) is the suicide bomber, whereas the Shiites favor the traditional death squad. Tomato, tomahto.

Nation of Islam

The other Muslims call the Nation of Islam heretical, but what do they know? It’s the only Islamic sect that makes room for UFOs and aliens. The NOI was founded by the mysterious Fard Muhammad who disappeared in the 1930s coincidentally after appointing his student, Elijah Muhammad (no relation), his successor. The main tenets of NOI exhort black men and women to throw off the oppression of the blue-eyed devils and accept their birthright of genetic superiority. Other wacky claims include the belief that the Earth is 76 trillion years old and that alcohol is bad for you.

The Fruit of Islam is a paramilitary group comprised of young black men within the Nation that provide security details for various persons and institutions. Their main mission is to defend their charges with their lives and to scare little old white women into hugging their purses close to their chest.

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