Time to play “Jew, not a Jew”

Once you are born a Jew, you can never not be a Jew, no matter what. It’s the Jason Voorhees of religions.

How does one become a Jew? It’s a relatively easy, yet somewhat exclusive procedure. You must be born to a Jewish mother. That’s pretty much it. You can convert to Judaism as well, but that’s a much more time-consuming prospect involving a lot of study and tests and sacrifices (G-d wants my what-skin?), so Disbeliefnet recommends you go with the first method.

More importantly, once you are born a Jew, you can never not be a Jew, no matter what. It’s the Jason Voorhees of religions. You can renounce your faith and its practices, but you’re still technically a Jew. You can accept Christ as your personal savior; still a Jew. Renouncing all gods and religion = still a Jew. Even after you’re dead, your corpse is still Jewish. You’ll never escape, so just get used to it.

In conclusion, if you’re not born Jewish and would like to convert, you will need:

  • A circumcised penis. Sorry, no foreskins allowed in Heaven.
  • Rudimentary knowledge of Yiddish slang words. Don’t worry about the actual scriptures, no one reads that stuff any more.
  • The complete works of Henny Youngman.
  • A diverse repertoire of long-suffering sighs.
  • A menorah to use at Hanukkah in lieu of a Christmas tree.
  • A long, trashy novel to read while waiting for the Messiah.

Want to follow the rabbit trail? Start here