Top 95 Reasons We Don’t Like You Anymore

It was a long, ugly breakup. During the Reformation, Martin Luther and other agitators seized the Pope by the balls and wouldn’t let go until they had formed their own distinct religious identity. Luther outlined his grievances with the church in the Ninety-Five Theses, the world’s longest Dear John letter. Protestantism spread like wildfire among the masses because Luther offered two things the Pope didn’t: a) Luther wasn’t the Pope and b) he advocated translating the Bible from gobbledygook into the vernacular. After a nine-years war, a 30-years war and assorted genocidal skirmishes, the Protestants bid the Catholics adieu and went off to have their own private schisms. For the first two hundred years, Protestantism kept splintering like an amoeba into smaller and more specialized groups until the height of absurdity was finally reached with the Church of St. Ambrose’s Holy Pants, Population 1 (the minister).

More denominations exist than Baskin Robins has flavors and the word ‘Protestant’ is used as an umbrella term for various groups like Baptists, Anglicans, Presbyterians, Methodists, Quakers etc. The Presbyterians are a well-known branch as they include Puritans and Pilgrims—of Thanksgiving fame—but their numbers are declining in this country due to a general and down right sad migration of church members to fundamentalist branches of the faith. Many of these fundamentalist subgroups were founded recently in the United States because, obviously, give us your tired, your poor, your absolute loonies yearning to start cults. Freedom of religion had to have a down side.