Entitle-bout: Who will take the crown of thorns?

Which of these religions has what it takes to eat at God’s big table and lead its people to the holy land? Keep an eye out for these young upstarts of spiritual worship.

Latter Day Saints

Already the 4th largest Christian denomination in the U.S., The LDS may be the little house on the compound that could – if they aren’t held back by their less-popular practices, like polygamy.

An enticing hybrid of traditionalism and extremism, LDS members have it all: scriptures, a holy trinity, prophets, and eternal life after death. They embrace old-world ideas and culture -- such as the conservative dress of 19th century prairie dwellers; yet they are also one of the first religions to embrace electronic media, hawking their Book of Mormon pamphlets and idealistic beliefs through a diverse series of TV commercials.

Xenu is my homeboy

Scientology is the underdog in the religion race, but it’s great to see just how far a wild imagination, unchecked ego and unlimited bank account can take you on this earth, and beyond.

These young religious upstarts believe that humans can free themselves of trauma, transgression and general fuckups through intense self-realization. Practicing Scientologists embrace knowing in the fullest sense of the word; yet they are handicapped by not disclosing their worldly solutions to those who won’t buy its books or shell out multi-million dollar membership fees to hang out at its country clubs. Yes, Scientologists even beat the Catholics in the pay-for-pray market.

Your own personal Jehovah

Jehovah’s Witnesses have been identified as the fastest-growing religion in North America, with over 1 million members and a growth rate of 2.25%. Like their fellow Restorationists, the LDS, Jehovah’s witnesses believe in a personal savior, are dedicated to clean living, dispute the existence of hell and feel a calling to don business-casual garb to do missionary work. But with only 144,000 followers likely to receive immortal life in heaven, they could have trouble recruiting more followers if word ever leaks out that they may have reached their holy quota.

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